Anxiety Sucks – No Really, It Does

I have had anxiety for a lot of my life and it colors everything in tones that you would rather it didn't. My particular anxiety is usually around health and car issues. I know- weird but true. 
When I took some serious time to look over this anxiety and what my particular triggers were, I discovered that the root issue was the same- control. I feared most the things I had no control over. I can only do so much to keep my car running properly and only so much to keep my body and the those of my children, healthy. Outside of that, I better sit back and enjoy the ride- and I try. I really do.

Even the actual ride of sitting in our van loaded to the gills with pets and belongings, a clamshell on top and a small rack on the back at the bumper while we drive clear across this country- I am trying. We had the brakes done and done again and the tires are a scant 4 months old and our amazing mechanic neighbor helped us replace all the spark plugs with top of the line replacements and checked everything for us. We did what we could and yet when it came time for me to drive, I gripped the wheel like a teenager with a driver's permit driving the freeway for the first time. The whole time I was thinking, “Crap, that's says the speed limit is 75!- There is no way I am doing that.” I'm a big fan of the right lane – that indispensable slow lane. Big fan-me.

The van is old and even with everyone saying it will be fine, I am worried. There are a lot miles to clock- all at one time at high speeds. I am okay at 60 mph but over that I get nervous.-- But there are two drivers and sleep came late the night before so I wanted to do my part. I put 100 miles in and was happy to relinquish control of the vehicle to someone who not only has experience with big trucks but has also driven across the country and back at least 3 times. 
So, I sit back, take a deep breath and try to convince myself of the insanity of my own fears. But that's of course, not the problem. Anxious people know they are anxious and we often realize how outlandish our fears can be which serves only to make us hide them. I hide them well and most people would never know that I am panicking.

Whenever this happens I know that I hold the key to this labyrinth of fear that traps me- to let go and trust and I have a tendency to be bad at that. So, as we barrel down the road in this desolate landscape of sagebrush, cliffs and canyons, I drive into the face of my fears and take a deep breath as I get ready to let go of it all.