"That's SO Unfair" and Other Comments on My Parenting

"God, Mom!! That is SO unfair." Probably leaves one of my children's mouths at least once a week.

It's never the same thing, it's always different.--

"He got more honey in his oatmeal!"

"She got to walk the dogs for longer!"
"She got to go to friends house and we had to clean!"
"He got to walk to the library by himself!"

And all of these are either prefaced with, or end with "That is SO unfair!"

And sometimes I am quiet and sometimes I shake my head and sometimes, I turn and say, "That is what is unfair? Really? Someone gets something different than you and it is unfair? I don't think so!" 

It is frustrating and yet, I wonder where it comes from. What is unfair? Everyone has a different experience - even within the same events- heck, food even tastes different to different people. Where is the unfair quality there?

If you want everything to be perfect and just the way you want it all the time then life is most definitely unfair. But that's not what it's about and I wonder where they get it.

I explore my own feelings then for any trace of "poor me" and "so unfair" in my own attitudes and discover that, actually, I have a little bit of it myself. 

"Why didn't we get that opportunity?" 

"Why don't I have that?"

"Why don't we get to go away for the weekend?"

All of these are the grown up version of "TISU" (That Is So Unfair) - as I will hereon refer to it. I am not always happy and complacent with my own lot and perhaps what I vocalized and considered harmless little complaints or frustrations were taken further into my children than I thought.

Perhaps, they have led to this idea that we should all get what we are due and we are all due something amazing and phenomenal- all the time. And even more worrisome- that the amazing and phenomenal in every moment is lost in the idea that the here and now is not amazing and phenomenal unless there is something extra happening- how's that for confusing?

Recently, my girls were out and about with friends and when they came home they discovered that their brother was getting another sleepover. Even though they had been out and about and had smiles when they left- and when they returned- from their lovely day with friends, they turned on me in unison and said, "WHAT!? He gets another sleepover? Well, that means we get ice cream or a movie then."
My husband and I laughed and then clamped our mouths shut as my middle daughter glared at me.

"Mom, we didn't have that much fun with friends today and he gets a sleepover so we should have ice cream or a movie otherwise it isn't fair."

We shook our heads and tried for the umpteenth time to explain this to them and hoped that maybe this time it would click and they wouldn't have that look of victimized disillusionment.

"It is fair. He gets something you don't and you get something he doesn't- it has always been, it will always be. You don't get more. He doesn't get more. You get different things. Be happy. He is older. You are younger. He gets different things. We don't have to make any of that up to you. You don't deserve something bigger and better. Just be happy with what you have."

And that last part, well, that is a noble goal.