So- About That Safety Net Thing

Yeah, that whole issue of health issuance and dental insurance has been weighing on me- like so many others who find it hard to come by or taken away.
We will have it some way or another but I started to really think about it. Why am I, in particular, so stressed about it? What is it? Can I break it down far enough to really understand what is going on deep below the surface of my own mind and heart?
It's sort of like a layer of asphalt that once in a while lifts up and you see that below there is this strange hole in the earth and light is radiating from it and then the asphalt slaps back down on it, paving right over the truth you caught a glimpse of. Well, at least that's what it always looks like to me.
That truth is that I found myself terrified of being in charge of my own health. When I picked apart this issue that was weighing on me, I discovered that of course, years and years ago, humankind did not have health insurance. We had healers and doctors but we didn't have that safety net. People paid out of pocket with cash or animals or trade of some kind. Or they didn't. Many people died. Many people lived. It continues to this day but this idea that health and life and illness are a business with go betweens and all these complicated processes-- And not a right-- is odd the more I think of it. It was always odd but the more I think of it, the more odd it becomes like when you say the same word over and over again and suddenly it is not familiar but foreign and strange and you wonder whether you have the right word.
But beyond that, what I stumbled upon was the fear that I held in myself of my own health and how I felt so detached from it, as if going to the doctor had given the responsibility of my health over to someone else and it was no longer on my to do list.

My mother in law is remarkable and the thing that gets me the most is that she is so very aware of who she is in her body- a trait that I admire highly since I feel so strange in this body so many times. And that strangeness becomes a fear of what my body can and will do without my permission. Chalk it up to an earth sign issue but it's true.
For me the idea that I would be the sole party responsible for this body, is overwhelming and yet, --it has always been this way even if I refuse to admit it. When the children were tiny, I used my knowledge of herbs and homeopathy to tend their ailments. Pink eye was rampant and with careful diligence we had it treated and gone within a couple days and I was not afraid. Then we got rockstar health insurance and suddenly I handed it over to someone else. Someone with vast knowledge of ailments and treatment there of. But I also handed over any knowledge I had of my body as something that was mine or the bodies of my children. I transferred ownership but kept my tenancy. How silly.

Now, I find myself journeying back and remember that I must read the copper bracelet that matches my mother's every day that reads "Sapere Aude" - "Dare to be wise."
I am the only one who can truly know my body and I must teach this to my children so that we can care for the remarkable tools that these bodies of ours are. What if my safety net is just the illusion that I suspect it to be? And what if that is what I must make peace with?