The Bad Days

As much as I would have everyone think it is all hunky-dory over here, it would be a lie. There is always a hard side- a difficult day or week- or month.
I ran into my first really hard days here- I missed my friends and community. I just thought "What have I done?! What was I thinking?!" I was terrified. I had to start out new and I'm not getting any younger and I have these amazing children to take care of and I was overwhelmed and scared of anything and everything that could go wrong.

My heart hurt with it. I was full of dread and I called my beloved and told him and he said, "I know it will be fine. It will. There is a reason for all of this." And he was comforting and gentle and kind and I got off the phone and cried- long and hard. Unconvinced and tired from my grief and fear.
It was a hard week to work through. That fear of the unknown- the uncontrolled- the fact that control is an illusion to begin with. All of this tore at me. And then, yesterday, I felt a shifting and had the sudden drive to pull the eiderdowns out and prepare them- even though it was 80 outside. I woke up to 59 degrees in my room- the old windows thrown wide for the fresh night air and I was grateful for the blankets as were the children who were hunkered down with the dogs and cat. In my lost place I had followed an intuition in this new place that told me to pull those warm things out. It didn't make sense to me but I followed it.

It was the first day that felt like autumn was moving in and I had to smile at that lift in the air- that little piece of energy that makes you think that if you turn in just the right direction and close your eyes and lean into that wind a little bit you just might take flight. Pure magic. And the fear, it will ebb and flow and I will learn how to let it go and live with it and trust the deep places that tell me to be patient- that tell me to love the now in everything.