Anxiety Sucks – No Really, It Does

I have had anxiety for a lot of my life and it colors everything in tones that you would rather it didn't. My particular anxiety is usually around health and car issues. I know- weird but true. 
When I took some serious time to look over this anxiety and what my particular triggers were, I discovered that the root issue was the same- control. I feared most the things I had no control over. I can only do so much to keep my car running properly and only so much to keep my body and the those of my children, healthy. Outside of that, I better sit back and enjoy the ride- and I try. I really do.

Even the actual ride of sitting in our van loaded to the gills with pets and belongings, a clamshell on top and a small rack on the back at the bumper while we drive clear across this country- I am trying. We had the brakes done and done again and the tires are a scant 4 months old and our amazing mechanic neighbor helped us replace all the spark plugs with top of the line replacements and checked everything for us. We did what we could and yet when it came time for me to drive, I gripped the wheel like a teenager with a driver's permit driving the freeway for the first time. The whole time I was thinking, “Crap, that's says the speed limit is 75!- There is no way I am doing that.” I'm a big fan of the right lane – that indispensable slow lane. Big fan-me.

The van is old and even with everyone saying it will be fine, I am worried. There are a lot miles to clock- all at one time at high speeds. I am okay at 60 mph but over that I get nervous.-- But there are two drivers and sleep came late the night before so I wanted to do my part. I put 100 miles in and was happy to relinquish control of the vehicle to someone who not only has experience with big trucks but has also driven across the country and back at least 3 times. 
So, I sit back, take a deep breath and try to convince myself of the insanity of my own fears. But that's of course, not the problem. Anxious people know they are anxious and we often realize how outlandish our fears can be which serves only to make us hide them. I hide them well and most people would never know that I am panicking.

Whenever this happens I know that I hold the key to this labyrinth of fear that traps me- to let go and trust and I have a tendency to be bad at that. So, as we barrel down the road in this desolate landscape of sagebrush, cliffs and canyons, I drive into the face of my fears and take a deep breath as I get ready to let go of it all.               

Now THAT Is A Lot of Diversity

This trip we have been on is shockingly lovely and I often feel I don't have words to show how amazing it is. There is beauty even in the most desolate looking places and not just in the places you might expect it.

As we drive through forest into desert by striking cliffs, canyons and patches of fields blacked by fire, we shake our heads at the difference from one place to the next- Just before we see the farms and livestock grazing. And all I can only think is- What did this look like the first time someone ventured through the wilderness to explore? What did the river look like?

 

Were they afraid or amazed beyond all sense and reason? How huge this country is and how often do we notice how incredibly lovely this land we live on is? How often do we notice how lovely this planet we live on, is? And just as I shake my head at the beauty of the desolate landscape around me, a child says, "Look!" And we note the rainbow arcing across the sky over our heads as we travel onward with full hearts and wonder.

It's All Fun & Games- Until You Wake Up Next to the Motel Toilet

It wasn't food poisoning. It was the cat. 
Yep- that lovely, sweet, cuddly cat of ours so silent during the journey that I worried about her health and had the children checking her regularly- well, come 11:00pm when we were all tucked in and finally settled, she began to cry- loudly and with a whining enthusiasm that had me sitting up in bed shushing her.

Finally, I dragged the giant dog crate into the bathroom and made sure she had food before returning to bed. She was silent- until she finished eating and then she was at it again. Knowing that the children needed to sleep and my husband needed it more, I crawled into the bathroom to hush her, trying not to trip over the children scattered, prostrate on the floor. 

Climbing back into bed, I relaxed only to shoot back off of it to return to the bathroom to get her to hush up again. Knowing that sleep would be non-existent if I didn't get creative, I pulled a blanket and pillow into the bathroom and curled up on the floor between the cat carrier and the toilet with my legs under the sink. No, it wasn't comfortable but it was functional.
I just wanted sleep and that way, when she fussed, I could tap the cage and hush her and eventually she settled.

When I finally crawled back to bed, leaving the now silent cat in her bathroom palace, it was 5:00am and time to get going for a long 14 hour day of driving. It wasn't all bad, I probably got a good 3 hours in there. Four children, all born rather close together, means I have a lot of practice with sleepless nights—I'm just rusty and this was a pop quiz to see if I remembered how to handle it- Only I wasn't about to settle the cat by nursing her down which is what worked so well with my children. No, that wasn't going to happen. No way, no how.
At least I wasn't totally bitter. Laughs can cure so many things, I have to make more use of them- I really, really do.

Five, Five- Do I Hear Five? Six, Six, Do I Hear Six?

I hear tell of an auction house on other end of this trip and it has peaked my interest. I have only gone a couple times to auctions- with my mother when I was younger and it was quite exciting.
You get caught up in the excitement and have to make sure you don't come home with a $400 toilet seat because that could happen- it's an auction. I have a feeling that that sort of thing happens easily in the beginning and then you get all weathered about it and you develop a thick skin and learn to let it pass you by if it is out of your price range.

But, I will have to go to this place with a little money in my pocket and see what happens. I remember well the flea markets of my childhood where my mother would find the most amazing things- old iron lamps that she rewired and fantastic old furniture she recovered or left as is-- if it could be left- and for so cheap- a couple bucks most of the time.

When I went to a flea market a few years back while visiting family, I was so excited- I was certain I would find cheap hidden treasure. Where I have been living they are rare-- well, the real ones with real old treasures masquerading as junk- don't seem to exist. It was outdoors and there were so many things to see and drool over and then I looked at the prices and realized that everything was very very expensive- like an antique store-- and I was disappointed.

There is something to be said about digging for treasure at a flea market or an auction or a thrift store. There are times when you can't believe your luck-- and others when you wonder whether luck took a vacation.
So, we shall see what pans out when I have that paddle in my hand and a little money in my pocket.

Four Kids, Two Dogs, Two Guinea Pigs, A Cat & Their Parents

It could be a low budget film "Four Kids, Two Dogs, Two Guinea Pigs, A Cat & Their Parents".
Seriously.
That's how we will roll- literally across the country- on actual wheels.
The dogs will probably get bored and sleep most of the way (we hope). While the guinea pigs, confined to a cat carrier will lounge in their tiny digs and drink water and eat. I anticipate that the children will use the little vests and leashes to let the sweet piggy girls out to cuddle since driving about 8 or 9 hours a day won't be too good for them and they need their loves.

And then there is the cat. This lovely girl is really not going to be happy. She is a mostly outdoor cat. This came about rather organically. She started going out and hunting and then coming in to pee- on the clean laundry and on the living room rug. It seemed to be in everyone's best interests to let her spend time inside when being loved on and cuddled and all that but to spend most of her time outside doing her thing. And so she does. She is cuddled and loved and fed and then off she goes on her hunting trips. But now, well, now it is a different story.
She will be confined to a cat carrier and we have a leash and harness for her that- so far- she has not objected to. But after 7 days, she may decide that she is seriously done associating with our family and cut all ties. It took a lot of creative scheming and interviews with friends to figure out the set up and it is going to be interesting.

At rest stops, she will be put on the leash and in the harness and the metal dog crate will be set up with a tiny cat box. A blanket will be laid over it so she can do her business and then we will "walk" her- that ought to be very interesting. Then back in the carrier, pack up the dog crate and off we go. Every night, the dog crate comes back out and we set up her little digs for the night- and every morning we pack it back up. Into a minivan.
That same minivan that will house us, food, water and our token gym bags along with travel games and the Harry Potter series- audio style.
And this will be an adventure- not just the driving but the animals, the children and the grown ups and through it all, I am determined to laugh, smile and see the silver lining in everything- even if the cat throws up, the dogs fart, the children fight and the guinea pigs wheet the whole time.

People used to take a covered wagon for goodness sake. And it took months and it was uber dangerous since there was nothing between here and there. No place to get food and water- no roadside assistance, no anything but wilderness.-- And of course you weren't going about 60 miles an hour the whole way so there had to be a lot of endurance. So, I would say, all things considered we've got it pretty good- not that there aren't dangers- there are- but this isn't a covered wagon and we will have food and water and each other's company and, with luck, we will be there in what feels like no time at all.

"You Are the Most Terrible Awesome Person in the World"

It shouldn't be something that makes me feel proud. Really- it shouldn't. Who wants to be terrible? Awesome, yes- that's what makes me proud-- but terrible? No. But a beloved friend said this to me recently, tears in her lovely dark eyes.
"You are the most terrible awesome person in the world. I can't believe you are leaving." And I thought- crap. I am. I am leaving all these phenomenal people who I adore and- I am always surprised to find- adore me right back.
So many amazing souls of all ages who have touched my life and the lives of my children and I wonder, "Woah! This is going to be seriously burly." And it is.
Leaving those you love and have formed a community of heart with, isn't something that is ever easy. It's what makes people nostalgic- "Remember when we all lived in that little neighborhood and the kids were little and we all drank tea and the kids ran around?" or "Remember when we all went to that park and there was concert and we all danced for hours?" or "Do you remember when we had that freak snow storm and you showed up on the doorstep and we made pancakes and smoothies and then played in that blessing of snow that shut down the whole city?"

This just makes you want to bawl- crumple into a ball and rock back and forth while your heart cries itself out. Well, that's what it's like to me, at least.
And I think, "Oh god, what if I can't make friends?" and "Oh no, what if I'm judged before they know me?" and then I look at my children and wonder "Will they find good friends? The kind that know you- the kind that are of your clan?"
And I don't have any definitive answers but everyone says "You'll find friends. They'll get to know you." and I know that we will. New people, new friends, old spirits that life leads us to connect with after so many life times. They all await us along the way. And I worry that my friends here will think they are replaceable- that they worry I will forget or lose touch and I think "Of course not- because you will move to. That piece of you that I hold in my heart, that's going with me and you get to live there too- a little bit of you."

They will. And there will be visits and there will be more laughter and more tears and more joy and more sadness because that is the balance of the world- the exquisite sensation of both sides of feeling. And it will be this way because it is always this way and has always been this way. The joy, the sadness, the tears and the laughter. Old and new- you can't have one without the other because in the end this is life. Period.

There Are 50 Chicks In Your Cart

Okay, so, one of the best things about having a little farmlette again is the poultry. It's the fowl, I tell you! I love poultry. Yes, chickens are great, but I am a goose girl. I really am. People say- "Those suckers are MEAN. Have you ever had geese?" To which I happily reply, "Yes. I have and I miss them all the time."
In addition to that, I have this thing about them and they seem to reciprocate it. Seriously. They come to me and they hang out with me- wild ones- Canada Geese (my absolute favorite bird in the world.)
I actually had two that would come over to eat every day. I fed them by hand and I would whistle to them. Then, one day, I arrived and they weren't there so I whistled and whistled again- beginning to feel foolish and then I heard it- a faint honking from down river that grew louder and louder until they landed directly in front of me and I fed them. From then on, I gave that special whistle and they would come flying. They even brought their darling goslings though they kept the babies back from the strange human with the bread.

I love geese, what can I say?
So, I was cruising the hatcheries- doesn't everyone on a lazy day? -- And put together a fantasy order for myself- all of them day old chicks for the non-existent barn that I will someday have.
I saw on one site that you can order Canada Goose cross bred geese for an enormous sum of money so I looked away and continued my search elsewhere. I knew what I was looking for. I selected all of them for their eggs and/or for temperament and hardiness- These would be loved and not eaten. When I was done combing through the sites, I had 50 items in my cart:
6 rainbow layers (chickens)- for a range of different egg colors (even some green and blue egg layers)
A pair of Pekin ducks (male and female)
A pair of Indian Runner ducks (male and female) plus 2 more females
A pair of Pilgrim Geese (which I discovered are unavailable most places so I would possibly need to switch to Toulouse Geese)
3 female turkeys (the best eggs in the world!)
2 Turken hens - because they would make my son smile- look like turkeys from the neck up but are all chicken- oh yeah, weird!
20 button quail- the size of bumblebees when they hatch!!
10 Bobwhite quail

And all I could think was "Don't hit the Order button!! Don't do it. I'm serious- watch that clicking finger, Miss Impulsive. That's it- Walk away from the computer."--Because I really, really wanted to just click "Order" and use that money that I didn't have to spend-- on those baby chicks.
 I wanted to have it all when I arrived at the new home- including a little Home Depot barn (since I knew that would be the least time consuming method of building a home for them) but I did dream of a more cottagey barn like this.
I wanted to get that call from the annoyed local post office saying ,"Your chicks are here, PLEASE come and get them- really- right now."
and when I answer, "You're not open yet."
Hear their response, "We are for you- come get these chicks- right now. Seriously."
As I hear the crazy peeping ruckus behind the person on the other end of the line.
Which is what happened over ten years ago when we had our other farmlette.

And then you raise them by hand and feed them and love them and and then they grow and blossom into big and small two legged feathered friends and you walk out into the yard and know that it is full of these lovely birds ready to eat out of your hand and follow the children around and make noise. And this- this reminds me of that path I started on years ago and left behind for city life-- only to return to now as I make a leap of faith and feel the wind whip around my face as I fall towards it.
But I know the prudent thing to do since there is no barn and no hen house- well, a hen house would be too small for these guys- would be to arrive and clean and paint and paint and paint and paint and paint and- did I mention, paint? And then, in the spring, build a little structure and get the chicks then. That is the prudent thing, I know. I am just impatient. I miss my birds and I have been missing them more and more. The goats will wait until spring or summer but those birds will be hard to wait for, they really will.

Someday soon, I will have geese and ducks and those turkeys and quail but until then, I will dream of them and plan for them and they will come to me when it is time and we will spread our wings together as we fly with joy into this new life.